Brand new motions.

 You said you were( or are? whatever) worried. That made me feel like I should be worried! We all have a lot to lose, but I have more to lsoe than you. 

sigh, this blog is turning into some melodramatic crap. I can’t help but write when i’m exasperated with something. there’s so much to do but it seems like this is the only thing that’s fuelling me to write right now. 

This is one of my many regrets.

I lied to a friend. How could I not? They were pestering me with questions about my crush. They wanted to know who it is.

One fact about me is that, when I have a crush on someone, I would never, and I mean NEVER tell anyone. 

So I lied to get them off my back. I told them I had a crush on x and told them to shut up about it. But then of course there was the teasing whenever he walked by us. (We studied at the same uni you see.) 

I don’t mind, as long as they don’t know who my real crush is muahahaha

But then it doesn’t really matter anymore. I got over it lol

Anonymous asked: Are you going to "The Beatles: The Lost Concert" movie premier in a few weeks?

hm not really. what gives you that idea?

Okay, it ended. Sigh. I hate it when a movie ends.

It’s like when you immerse completely into a movie, those few hours become part of your world - or you become part of theirs, depends on how you look at it. Same goes with books. 

And when it ends, it’s like you don’t know what to do - for a while of course. Transitioning yourself, between that made up place and your real one.

Can I live Narnia? Aslan helloooo

Watching narnia for the millionth time. I just paused at the part where the narnians charged the Telmarines’ castle/fortress/whatever. Alot of things are going wrong like everyone’s kinda blaming Peter for things, lots of Narnians died and got stuck at said castle. I justgot overwhelmed a bit and hit pause. I know right? Who gets overwhelmed by watching a movie? Well, that’s me. I kinda get easily attached to fictional characters a bit. And I can’t believe we won’t be seeing peter,susan,ed and lucy anymore! On the other hand, we’ll be seeing that little Eustace brat again.

Plus, I kinda have a thing for Edmund. Or maybe Peter. 

There is a certain freedom in giving up all hope. One is no longer bound by the cords of dread or fear; you simply move toward the inevitable without thinking on the consequences.

I have a blog in blogspot, yet here I am, publishing the hidden depths of my mind. I’m still not quite sure what is faltering my resolve. 

Scratch that. I’m quite sure actually.

Anonymity is my cloak of invisibility. I can be loud with my opinions incognito. They’re not even opinions most of the time, they’re just thoughts. 

People can be self-conscious with their looks as I can be self-conscious with my thoughts. I have a lot on my mind, I need an outlet for that (other than my mouth that is), or else they’d be swirling around in my head.

Words, run free.

Can you tell that I’m worried? My life, my future and where that leads to. You can also sort of say that I’m worried of the unknown.

What catapulted myself into anxiety you ask. An acronym with 3 letters and it comes with a tacky interface.  

UPU.

I’m scared shitless of not getting what I want. I really am. Because I really want this you see. The course I want, it’s sort of a popular course, scratch that, it’s a VERY popular course. One that every parent and every teacher drilled into the minds of every Malaysian to become. Sikit-sikit, “Jadilah doktor”. 

Before, I can never imagine myself becoming a doctor. I hate gory things. Watch any Saw movie with me, I’ll scream bloody murder with my fingers plugging my ears underneath the blanket. 

Don’t get me wrong, i still hate gore. But you know what? It’s not about what you don’t like, it’s what you do. It’s a fact that I love love love biology, but even that’s not the case. 

What scares me the most is that I don’t want this because of popular opinion. Not because of the salary and not because so that I can be proud about it. Genuinely wanting something, you’ll get hurt if you don’t get it. What a cruel country this is. People only get the job because of their grades, not because of passion. No wonder we have such grumpy doctors here.

I’m also mad at myself. Why do I have to want something I can’t have?  

Maybe I’ve been reading too much of dr halina’s blog. (bella is adorable btw). Her husband said to her “These people, it’s not their choice to be sick.. but you chose to be a doctor. Treat them nicely…” 

my thoughts exactly.

Maybe this is a all a sign. Maybe I’m not meant for this? If Allah shows me the way, I’ll become whatever I’m destined to be.  I have a million option. Just because I didn’t get something, I won’t let it become my limiting factor.